In Praise of Praise

People like to hear that they are great.  We love praise.  Probably it’s because so many of us are secretly insecure.  We need affirmation because inwardly we focus on our frailties and failures. For instance, I can give a twenty minute talk and fret over the one word I mispronounced, or play a song on the guitar and agonize over one wrong note. I remember goofs from years ago.  This is not just a personal idiosyncrasy, but a general rule.  In sports, for example, Novak Djokovic recently came close to winning four major tennis tournaments in a row--the Australian, French, and U.S. Open along with Wimbledon--which would have established his reputation as one of the greatest athletes of all time.  But he suffered a loss in his final, championship match.  The agony of that single defeat was enough to make him sob out loud, overshadowing the satisfaction of all his previous victories.  Psychologists and economists have the same finding.  The pleasure of winning one hundred dollars is substantially less than the pain incurred by losing the same amount.  By the same token, almost any slight or criticism cuts deep. We take scolding or reproval--or even friendly suggestions for how we might improve--to heart.  It takes an extra measure of encouragement for us to feel that we’re actually good enough.  

I suppose the greatest gifts we can give to other people are acceptance and appreciation. This is one of the traditional functions of faith: a sense of being all right with God or okay with the universe.  It’s close to what the New Testament means by agape or unconditional regard, making people feel they are worthy and special just by being human.  But you don’t have to be religious to confer this gift.  It’s in everyone’s power.

Maybe I should try just for one day to give a big, juicy compliment to everyone I encounter.  For example, say something nice on the phone to the appointment lady at the dermatologist’s office.  Withhold my snarky comment from that Facebook post and say something positive instead.  Tell my wife she’s looking fabulous and is way smarter than me (which is really only the truth).  If I followed through with that plan, handing out approval like it was free and didn’t cost me anything, how do you think my day would go?  

Thanks for listening.  You bring out my best!

Fire & Ice (with apologies to Robert Frost)

 Some say the world will end in fire, others say in ice.

But the end of the world isn’t coming, not tomorrow, or next year, or on any fixed date.

Rather, the world is continually ending as we separate ourselves from the source of life and love, as we de-humanize the stranger, as we close our hearts against caring for the neighbor, as we distance ourselves from the earth and her creatures.  The sounds of silence, the words of kindness unspoken, these are the sounds of the world shutting down.

Yet the future is continually beginning as we expand the circle of compassion, widen the definitions of family, expand the household of mutuality, honor the soil and plant the seeds of hope.  The hum of conversation and the noise of dialogue and, yes, the clash of voices in honest debate, these are the sounds of the future asking how to unfold.

Whether the world ends, or how, or when, then, is really up to us.

From what I’ve tasted of desire, I hold with those who favor fire

But if it had to perish twice I think I know enough of hate

To say that for destruction ice is also great and would suffice